I used to write quite a bit. I wrote mostly to express how I
feel about something or how I think about something. I stopped after returning
from England – life kinda took over.
I started writing a lot again a few years ago. But it was a
different kind of writing. I wrote research stuff, for academic presentations,
for conferences. It was interesting but it can be ‘painful’ writing.
If writing academic stuff is physically painful, then the writing
I do tonight is the emotionally painful kind. I started writing again recently,
also something of a different kind. A lot of proposal-type of writing. A lot of
planning.
My new job is pushing me, in a good way, also in a bad way.
My first gig at my new job was handling publicity for a
short filmmaking workshop. Young filmmakers were selected as workshop participants
and were given a script, locations and a cast. They then had to go make a short
film about it. Pretty intense, crazy but cool.
There is a line in that script.
“You are nothing but a second-rate, trying-hard copycat.”
Half of the day today I kept hearing this in my head. At
first, I tell myself I don’t know why. But I actually knew why. I think when I
am writing this out now, I can hear my ownself tell myself the reason why.
I am expected to lead my small little office of five very
young colleagues. Not in a big way. Just like … knowing where they are I guess
if they leave the office. I say this because today I didn’t know where my
Junior Director went and an out-house producer said “Shouldn’t he tell you?”.
And I felt … “Oh yeah hoh. Why didn’t he tell me.”
So I told him to tell me next time he leaves the office. I
didn’t like that feeling. Cause I really didn’t care where he went cause I know
he will be back. And he is responsible. So why must I know? Why must I ‘assume’
this leadership role? I hate being this ‘leader’ … I don’t know any more about
production or film than them. I just want to finish my research on an Asian
Project Market I am attending, the scheduling of a short film I am working on,
and plan my proposal for some film screenings. I felt like I need to pretend to
be this boss on set that no one really respects or care about because there is
no need for this role. I don’t think there is a need for this role.
Then later we went to a short film premier. The main sponsor
is … a shiny sponsor. We saw Ho Yuhang. We met GSC reps. Some were in shiny
clothing. I felt uncomfortable; I’m sure a few did too. I liked the short film.
Made me cry.
Then I tried to ‘steal’ someone else’s door gift that I
mistook as mine – I left mine near the place this person was now standing on so
I assumed the door gift was mine. Mana tau it was actually his. Haha.
In the ‘thank you’ speeches of the premier, the director
thanked his producer. He said it is the
producer that grounds the director and keeps him on the right path. I heard the
line from that script again. I felt more uncomfortable.
I just reached home, and have the 1001 things-to-do list in
my head. So much work.
I think of the facebook and instagram things I have to post.
And when I type, I keep envisioning my boss and her voice in my head. I start
to type according to her ‘voice’ in my head. It is scary. And it makes me unhappy.
Then I started thinking about myself. And my bedrooms (I
moved a few times in London) when I watched my korean films and drama and loved
them all on my own. I remember about my attempt to ask Darcy Parquet on his
film forum (Darcy Parquet!) about ‘Friend’ cause I didn’t understand that film
well and wanted to talk about it with an ‘expert’. Nobody ever responded to my
question. I remember the feeling of disappointment. But I was in Stratford,
London – a second year Psych student with a lot of time and a lot of films,
amongst a lot of people. I still remember it all with fondness. I felt happy
being a nobody to everybody and a somebody to myself.
I like ‘Christmas in August’ very much. It made think of
death in a different way – sadness and yet, happiness at leaving, saying
goodbye. Although Han Suk Kyu’s character never said goodbye, but his character
said goodbye to me as I watched him. So this film taught me about death and how
it is a release.
And now I started to think about starting to write again. I
want to recover my voice during the moments I don’t have to use my boss’ voice.
And I recollect about that moment where I stood staring at the short film
premier shiny sponsor’s timeline. This timeline shows all the directors of all
the short films they have sponsored over ten years. I just thought … I just
want to make a film. Not with shiny sponsors, shiny production crew, shiny
anything. Just a story, a camera and a lot of friends. And I thought of Manuel,
a filmmaker who is going through a difficult time now. I would like to do a
short film with him, and not think of budget or scheduling. Just a simple one.
Before he leaves Malaysia, or … before he leaves.
Then I hear a line from the script again. A different line.
“I can tell the other crook when I see one. Like you.”
I wipe my tears.
